Author Provocateur

And the winner is...

I want to thank all of you whi  entered THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK's Very Merry Contest, I interrupted what I'm sure was a very healthy (aHEM!) lunch of my author pal, Karin Tabke, do the blind pick for the winning numbers --

So feel free to invite her to your  "Why didn't you pick me?" pity party, and pelt her with banana peels.

Okay, here they are:

Grand Prize Winner:  LizzyMA
$25 Gift card to the bookstore of your choice, plus one of these back- listed books (True Hollywood Lies, Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives, or  The Baby Planner:

Runners Up: Pam W., and June M
You will one of these back- listed books (True Hollywood Lies, Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives, or  The Baby Planner:


Thank you all, for playing!

And thank you, those who wrote me to tell me how much you loved the excerpt for THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK.

-- More contests (and new novel releases) to follow,

: )

-- Josie Brown

Author,
The Housewife Asassin's Handbook

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It's that time of month. (Unless you're on TV.)

 

We've crossed the bridge into the 21st century--unless you're an actress in a tampon commercial.

On American TV, we're still squeamish when talking about menstruation.

That is, a woman's period.

Her "little visitor."

Being "on the rag," as it were.

As Adweek points out, it's ironic that a product created in the 1930s -- and on television, FINALLY, in 1973 -- is still cloaked in AdLandia shorthand.

Forget code words. White short shorts or short skirts was -- is -- GirlSpeak for "it's okay to use tampons instead of pads, without worrying about bleedthrough."

To paraphrase, Betty Friedan: it's the feminine hygiene mystique.

The FCC has what is calls  "the seven dirty words" which are forbidden to say on TV. I'm too much of a lady to say them here, but you can guess what they are:

• Sh*t
• P*ss
• F*ck
• C*nt
• C*cks*cker
• M*therf*cker
• T*ts

Has anyone noticed that dick and penis isn't on the list?

Which is possibly why, yes: those words flow trippingly through the boob tube.

At least, on basic cable, which is known for its potty mouth (DEADWOOD!!! I MISS YOU!!!!) 

Some of these words have already slipped into major broadcast network viewing as well.

So why not vagina? Why do television hostesses fudge it by saying "va-jay-jay? They should follow Lissa Rankin's advice and say it loud, say it proud.

Lubricant ads show couples in bed. Condom ads have now broken the television barrier, too. Turn on a football game and you'll overdose on Viagra and Cialis ads. (Puh-leeeez: get that couple out of their his-and-hers outdoor clawfoot tubs!)

The 1st Amendment makes strange bedfellows. A disparate group has coallesced around the goal of ending television censorship . It includes the Pacifica Foundation on the left, and the Cato Institute (a Libertarian think tank) on the right.

In fact, on July 13, 2010 in New York, FCC regulations regarding "fleeting" use of expletives were ruled unconstitutionally vague by a three-judge panel of the U.S. 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals,  which ruled that they violated the First Amendment in light of their possible effects regarding free speech.

Maybe we're finally crossing that bridge into the 21 century.

So that we get our celebrity fix for the day, click onto the video below. At the time (1985) , it was considered groundbreaking because she actually said the "P" word.

Several times, in fact!

Recognize the actress in this Tampax ad? When it comes to their careers, everyone's starts somewhere --

Period.

*Picture: The eyes have it! Tampons--that don't leak--are a girl's best friend.

Ewwww yuck is a fact of life,

-- Josie

 

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Okay, here are my answers to 2011's stupidest employee interview questions. A great reminder as to why I prefer to freelance.

This was just too heehaw funny to pass up:

Glassdoor.com, a human resources/job search site, just posted what it calls "the top 25 oddball interview questions of 2011."

Let's face it. In this case, "oddball" is a euphemism for, um...stupid.

Since I won't be applying to any of these places, I figure it's okay to share with you how I would have responded--

Had I shown up drunk or if they'd first injected me with a truth serum.

Hmmm. Not a bad idea.

But not legal to do to applicants, so they'll never know the truth.

I'm guessing they wouldn't want to know it, anyway. Diplomacy and witty repartee before honesty, right?

Writing fiction means my answered are somewhat skewed to the macabre, so I'm sure I wouldn't get hired, anyway.

I'm okay with that--

As long as you guys keep buying my books.

Just saying.

-- Josie

1. “How many people are using Facebook in San Francisco at 2:30pm on a Friday?” – view answers. Asked at Google. More Google interview questions.

Me: "Too many. There are just too many lazy people in SF, with too much time on their hands. You're based here, so you know that, first hand. Obviously, they are waaaay overpaid....Um, how much were you offering again?

2. “Just entertain me for five minutes, I’m not going to talk.” – view answers. Asked at Acosta. More Acosta interview questions.

Me: This is where I pull out True Hollywood Lies and read out loud the most erotic scene in it. What can I say? I give great read. And those scenes are...HOT!

3. “If Germans were the tallest people in the world, how would you prove it?” – view answers. Asked at Hewlett-Packard. More Hewlett-Packard interview questions.

Me: "As the whole world knows, Germans keep meticulous records. I would hack into the national academic database and pull up all Physical Education records on 12-grade height measurements, which I would then compare to the same records from countries all over the world. By the way,  I have some swampland in Monterrey that you can pick up at a steal..."

4. “What do you think of garden gnomes?” – view answers. Asked at Trader Joe’s. More Trader Joe’s interview questions.

Me: "Some of my best friends are garden gnomes. By the way, I love your Hawaiian shirt. So do my BFF garden gnomes."

5. “Is your college GPA reflective of your potential?” – view answers. Asked at the Advisory Board. More Advisory Board interview questions.

Me: "Moreso than my bust size -- so please quit staring at my chest."

6. “Would Mahatma Gandhi have made a good software engineer?” – view answers. Asked at Deloitte. More Deloitte interview questions.

Me: "Honestly, no. I don't know if you've read up on the Mahatma, but he wasn't a hermitic nerd, and his online gaming scores were abominable. But if his resume hits your desk, you may want to consider him for a Community Manager position. He'll up your Facebook friends considerably."

7. “If you could be #1 employee but have all your coworkers dislike you or you could be #15 employee and have all your coworkers like you, which would you choose?” – view answers. Asked at ADP. More ADP interview questions.

 Me: "Number 1. Because I'm into WINNING. And tiger blood flows through my veins."

8. “How would you cure world hunger?” – view answers. Asked at Amazon.com. More Amazon.com interview questions.

Me: "I'd win the Miss Universe Pageant. Then I'd travel the world, advocating for world peas. And carrots. And mashed potatoes, because they go well together. But no meat. We don't want any more fatties, so I'd be pushing a vegan agenda."

9. “Room, desk and car – which do you clean first?” – view answers. Asked at Pinkberry. More Pinkberry interview questions.

Me: "Teeth."

10. “Does life fascinate you?” – view answers. Asked at Ernst & Young. More Ernst & Young interview questions.

Me: "Yes. Which is why I'm getting the hell out of here, before you hire me and I shoot my brains out."

11. “Given 20 ‘destructible’ light bulbs (which breaks at certain height), and a building with 100 floors, how do you determine the height that the light bulb breaks?” – view answers. Asked at QUALCOMM. More QUALCOMM interview questions.

Me: "Dude! Seriously? Duh. They break the moment they hit the ground. I've got a question for you, too: Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?"

12. “Please spell ‘diverticulitis’.” – view answers. Asked at EMSI Engineering. More EMSI Engineering interview questions.

Me: "If I do, can I use the $25,000 scholarship prize money to pay off my college bills?....Oh! You're not National Geographic, are you?"

13. “Name 5 uses of a stapler without staple pins.” – view answers. Asked at EvaluServe. More EvaluServe interview questions

Me: "Knock out a mugger. Knock out a rapist. Threaten a bank teller. Knock out a pawing first date. Knock out a pawing first boss. Don't worry, I know my way out."

14. “How much money did residents of Dallas/Ft. Worth spend on gasoline in 2008?” – view answers Asked at American Airlines. More American Airlines interview questions.

Me. "Too much. Too many gas guzzling cars, too many people who work in the oil industry to care about global warming, and not enough public awareness of its environmental impact. What fuels do your planes use again?... Yep, I know the way out. Scotty, beam me up."

15. “How would you get an elephant into a refrigerator?” – view answers. Asked at Horizon Group Properties. More Horizon Group Properties interview questions.

Me: "Same as I would a man: kill it, then chop it into steaks. On the way out, I'll leave you a copy of The Housewife Assassin's Handbook. It's got detailed instructions--regarding the man, not the elephant. My heroine, Donna, loves animals--"

16. “You have a bouquet of flowers. All but two are roses, all but two are daisies, and all but two are tulips. How many flowers do you have?” – view answers. Asked at Epic Systems. More Epic Systems interview questions.

Me: "Three. What say I set you up with the HR interviewer at Qualcomm? He likes trick questions, too. I think you two are a match made in heaven."

17. “How many planes are currently flying over Kansas?” – view answers. Asked at Best Buy. More Best Buy interview questions.

Me: "Too many. But there are probably a few terrorists out there with heat-seeking missle launchers to remedy that....Yes, I know. I have an active imagination. And I know my way out, too. By the way, Egghead has better prices on netbooks than you guys."

18. “How many different ways can you get water from a lake at the foot of a mountain, up to the top of the mountain?” – view answers. Asked at Disney Parks & Resorts. More Disney Parks & Resorts interview questions.

 Me: "Listen, Goofy: I'm not trying for a gig in your Imagineering Department. I just want to be Cinderella in the Main Street Electrical Parade. Here, watch me wave and smile--"

19. “What is 37 times 37?” – view answers .Asked at Jane Street Capital. More Jane Street Capital interview questions.

"I'm guessing it's what I'd be making in salary, for one week's work here. So instead, why don't I answer 'What is 100 x 100', which is more in line to what I'd accept?"

20. “If you could be a superhero, what power would you possess?” – view answers. Asked at Rain and Hail Insurance. More Rain and Hail Insurance interview questions.

Me: "The power to be so wealthy that I wouldn't have to go on interviews where people like you ask such stupid questions. Or the power to create world peas. And carrots. With mashed potatoes."

21. “If you were a Microsoft Office program, which one would you be?” – view answersAsked at Summit Racing Equipment. More Summit Racing Equipment interview questions.

Me: "The one that wouldn't get me sued by MicroSoft. By the way, a better question to ask is to name a software program that MicroSoft hasn't been sued for copying."

22. “Pepsi or Coke?” – view answersAsked at United Health Group. More United Health Group interview questions.

Me: "Water. You guys do work in healthcare, right?...Oh, got it! You just bill for healthcare procedures."

23. “Are you exhaling warm air?” – view answers. Asked at Walker Marketing. More Walker Marketing interview questions.

Me: "No. Carbon dioxide. You're a marketing firm, so I don't hold your stupidity against you, but I'd certainly be scratching my head if you were Genentech."

24. “You’re in a row boat, which is in a large tank filled with water. You have an anchor on board, which you throw overboard (the chain is long enough so the anchor rests completely on the bottom of the tank). Does the water level in the tank rise or fall?” – view answers. Asked at Tesla Motors. More Tesla Motors interview questions.

Me: "It stays the same. Okay, let me ask you a question: When will the hovercraft be available, and how many jiggawatts will it need to power it? And is Marty McFly really your CEO? Because that's the rumor--"

25. “How do you feel about those jokers at Congress?” – view answers.Asked at Consolidated Electrical. More Consolidated Electrical interview questions.

Me: "You complete me. Hire me! Please!"

________________________________________

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May 2012 be the year of the (Ryan) Gosling.

As if 2011 wasn't?

Three high-profile, well received movies in one year (four, if you remember that Blue Valentine was a limited release last Christmas) and another three on the way--

Can it by the year of the Gosling, two years in a row?

Of all the young turks in film today, Ryan Gosling has the depth and breadth and height (at 6'1")  that merits a long-lived and celebrated career.

He is 3D cinematic star power, no CGI needed.

If you wanted to see a man who can lose a woman because he loves her too much, and for all the wrong reasons, as he did in Blue Valentine, go to Gosling.

If you want a tough guy with a soft center who can make a movie so much more than mayhem and violence like Drive might have been without him, go to Gosling.

If you want an actor who embodies a player like the one he played in Crazy, Stupid Love, but then can turn the role on its head by showing that he lost his soul when he broke his heart, go to Gosling.

If you want a guy who can play a cocky political operative yet be ethical and still be believable, as he was in Ides of March--AND hold his own against George Clooney--

You got it: go to Gosling.

Yup. Time to change the Chinese calendar.

I would so enjoy looking down onto a placemat with that face on it.

Yum yum yum,

-- Josie

 

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What blows me away the most about California is the windmills.

No sight  says to me "Honey, you're home" than the windmills of Altamont Pass, near Livermore, California.

The first time I saw them was on a gray blustery morning. Driving through a windy pass on I-85, just north of the Stockton junction onto I-5, I was confronted by this army of giants waving their arms like pinwheels, perhaps to ward off what sounded like a million invisible bees.

Numerous trips since then between my home in San Francisco and Los Angeles have blessed me with many viewings of the windmills. Be it sunrise or twilight, no matter what time of day, or whether the sky is stark blue or flush with clouds and shadow, it is a wonderous sight. I'm sure that the engineers or scientists or whomever calculated where to place each one for maximum results didn't take into consideration its visual impact on the human eye, but I consider them artists nonetheless.

In fact, I'll never understand why wind farms more aren't popping up in fields all over this grand country of ours -- if not for the energy efficiency they provide, then for their beauty.

Get blown away,

-- Josie

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I'm not going to let 2012 be my "bad hair day" of years, and you shouldn't either.

Martin and I used to think that our best years ended in odd numbers.

In hindsight, I think we'd flip that analogy to fit any year in which we weren't having a great year.

For us -- and I guess a lot of you, too -- 2011 was a mixed blessing. I'm not an avid baseball fan, but there is something to say about "times up to bat": the more you put it out there, the better chance you'll have of scoring a hit, as opposed to an error.

And every now and then, you also hit it out of the park.

Granted, for Team Brown, there were enough errors for 2011 to turn us around on the assumption that odd years are our best. But we also had our fair share of hits, including the launch of four books. My two were The Baby Planner and The Housewife Assassin's Handbook. Martin's books were Fit in 50 Days, and on the last day of the year, The Ultimate New Year's Resolution Diet.

Not only that, but I saw one of my titles, True Hollywood Lies, achieve the ranking of 411 in Amazon Bestsellers, as well as #9 in Amazon's category of Books/Literature & Fiction/Comic.

On the first day of every new year, Martin starts off by saying,  "It's a new year, and we're still here."

He means this, literally as well as figuratively.

It's an inside joke:

One new year's day, just after we moved to Marin County, we were walking our children into Mill Valley's Old Mill Park when the skies opened up. As the rain poured down, an elderly gentleman, standing in his garage called out, "You can stand here with me, if you want, until it blows over."

We were happy to take him up on his offer.

Standing there, we made small talk. I don't know how the subject of the man's wife came up. I guess it had to do with the fact that we'd just started another new year. With the openess  that only comes with fresh emotional wounds, he said, "Yep, just this past new year's day, as we sat down to breakfast, she said, 'Well, it's a new year, and we're still here.' Then she dropped dead of a heart attack."

What a way to start the year: losing the person you love the most, whom you've spent a lifetime.

Any other issues are miniscule. They are a run in the pantyhose of your life.

To put things in perspective: he hadn't had a bad hair day. He had a bad hair year.

Whenever we're coming off a bad year, or we're trepidacious as to what the new year will bring, we remember that man and the wife he mourned.

And we count our blessings. Here are the ones I cherish most:

- We have great health, as do our children.

- We are still as madly in love today as we were on the day we married.

- We saw many of our far-flung family this year, making new memories even as we remembered the old ones.

- Our friends are loving, appreciative and a joy to be around. If only we could see more of them, more often!

- We love what we do, which is write.

You've got to love the fact that life is just one big tease,

-- Josie

*Photo: Uber-model Jean Shrimpton, by Richard Avedon. Talk about helmet hair!

 

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Time to party like it's 1961

Some day, I'll throw a party like Audrey Hepburn.

You know the kind. Other than that iconic image in Breakfast at Tiffany's,  of her walking down an empty Fifth Avenue too early on a Sunday morning, just staring into the glitziest bling shop in the world, to my mind the very best dialogue in that movie took place in that scene in which the whole world shows up to party in her tiny apartment: stews and runway models, aging lotharios, Hollywood agents, Brazilian playboys, and on-the-make Mad men wearing skinny ties. One guy even has an eye patch, and it isn't a Halloween party. Go figure.

The booze is flowing, the bon mots are flying. And Audrey is magnetic.

We should all be Audrey, at least once in our lives, even if our cigarette holder only blows bubbles.

Of course hers is really lit, which is why, in such a confined space, some woman's hat catches on fire.

My last "big" party was formal-- that is to say, filled with too many people not willing to let their hair down, let alone go up in flames. 

That's alright. I've made a few faus pax myself: like the time half the guests ended up in the hospital with food poisoning.

This is why I'm not the chef in our family.

But I'm still a party animal.

Here's wishing you a happy and healthy 2012,

-- Josie

Buy TRUE HOLLYWOOD LIES in Amazon!

Right now, #9 in Books/Literature & Fiction/Comic

"…The tone is confessional, the writing laced with venomous humor..."
–The Wall Street Journal

"Brown captures the humor of working for a megalomaniac...[A] well-paced, entertaining story." –Publishers Weekly

"A fine piece of literary work." –New York Post, Page Six

"Josie Brown does an outstanding job capturing the glitz and glamour of Hollywood living yet illuminating the stark loneliness present beneath the façade.  Filled with good-natured humor and witty repartee..."
–Romance Reader's Connection

 

What drives authors crazy? Amazon rankings. Here's why.

We should both be hitting the beach with a good book, just reading...taking it easy...

In other words LIVING -- instead of locked up inside, making a living.

To get my mind out of the fantasy of sand and surf, I've been spending my breaks between writing by   gauging my ranking for TRUE HOLLYWOOD LIES on Amazon.com, which thanks to my publisher Diversion Books, has hit the zeitgeist in that online bookstore.

Right now it's at #444 on the category called Amazon Bestsellers/Kindle. But when you consider that there are over 3 million books in Amazon, that ain't too shabby.

What is even more astounding is that in the subcategories, it's ranking is even lower: To wit:

-  #9 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Comic (where I'm bookended by Tina Fey and that guy who wrote "Go the F**K to Sleep")

- #14 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Humor

- #25 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Fiction > Genre Fiction > Romance > Contemporary (Just behind a Nora Roberts book. How sweet is that?)

I feel honored and blessed that so many new readers are discovering it.

I've got to admit, it's a fun read: lots of sex, scandal, and celebrities gone wild. You know, the usual stuff.

If you haven't read it yet, you can read an excerpt here ...

Aw hell, for $1.99, just go ahead and buy it, here!

Blatant self promotion,

: )

-- Josie

"…The tone is confessional, the writing laced with venomous humor..."
–The Wall Street Journal

"Brown captures the humor of working for a megalomaniac...[A] well-paced, entertaining story." –Publishers Weekly

"A fine piece of literary work." –New York Post, Page Six

"Josie Brown does an outstanding job capturing the glitz and glamour of Hollywood living yet illuminating the stark loneliness present beneath the façade.  Filled with good-natured humor and witty repartee..."
–Romance Reader's Connection

Who'da thunk it? TRUE HOLLYWOOD LIES is #9 on Amazon's Book list for "Humor"

I can't help but love the fact that TRUE HOLLYWOOD LIES is now #9 in Amazon, under Books > Literature & Fiction > Comic.

I'm in very good company: Tina Fey is at #1, Mindy Kaling at #3, and Ellen DeGeneres at #5.

Overall, TRUE HOLLYWOOD LIES' Amazon ranking at this very moment is #451.

The novel is a very satirical look at LA and celebrity, so glad others have picked up on that. Or as the critcs have put it:

"...The tone is confessional, the writing laced with venomous humor..." -The Wall Street Journal

"A fine piece of literary work." --The New York Post, Page Six

"Brown captures the humor of working for a megalomanic . . .[A] well-paced, entertaining story." --Publishers Weekly

My goal is to get TRUE HOLLYWOOD LIES somewhere in the Amazon 100. Want to help me out? If you want a quick, fun read for only $1.99, you can check it out here... 

Thanks for allowing me to share this bit of happiness,

-- Josie

 

Time to spread more cheer! Enter my new contest...

This year, I've had some blessings I'd like to share:

- THE BABY PLANNER tour was hosted by real baby planners, numerous sponsors, and retail stores all over the country. Thanks to all of you whom I met along the way. You can find a list of them, here...

-  SECRET LIVES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES will produced by Jerry Bruckheimer as a new ABC TV series.

- Readers are rediscovering my debut novel, TRUE HOLLYWOOD LIES. In fact, it's ranked below 900 on Amazon.com.

This contest is my way to say thank you. Just  read an excerpt of THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK, answer the question at the end correctly for a chance to win a $25 gift card from the any bookstore, with a personally autographed copy of SECRET LIVES. Two runners -up will also received personalized copies.

The deadline is midnight PT January 15, 2012, For details, go to www.HousewifeAssassinsHandbook.com

Wishing you a wonderful holiday, and a healthy and happy 2012,

--Josie

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THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK 
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